sociopolitical musings, in list form

house majority alternatives to immigration reform

Instead of “amnesty,” grant DREAMers invitations to an inner-city church-group meeting. When they arrive, a twitchy man in a cardigan politely takes their personal information, then hurries out to his locked Mercedes and drives off. Keep forcing out Speakers until they get one who believes all immigrants are killers, rapists, and drug dealers. Homeless Vietnam War vets greet immigrants at border crossings to explain the American Dream. Actually, it’s just a sheet of oak tag with “Immigration Reform” printed in large, sparkly letters. Each time a Democrat mentions “Immigration Reform,” the Speaker tells an obviously bad knock-knock joke. If the Democrat persists and the Speaker runs out of ideas, he will simply stare at the Democrat and say, “Really?” The Majority Whip gets a “pocket veto.” Homeless Mideast war vets greet immigrants at border crossings to explain the American Dream. Donald Trump, wearing a scary mask, greets parentless smuggled children at border crossings. (Scary mask optional.) Wait for Sotomayor to recuse herself from something, then Roberts, Scalia and Alito root through the case histories, replacing the word “immigrant” with the name “Ariel Castro.” Declare African Americans undocumented, too. (GOP presidential candidates exempted.)

Steven Roiphe holds a nonrefundable degree from Harvard University. His prose has appeared or is forthcoming in Hot Metal Bridge, The Hamilton Stone Review, and Serving House Journal. When he's not writing his novel about a gay founding father, he enjoys working as one of Downeast Maine's rare professional dog walkers.