sociopolitical musings, in list form

admissable reasons to vote for jeb bush:

Your master’s thesis explores nihilism, and you’ve opted for the memoir format.

Your analyst prescribes exposure therapy against your fear of monarchy.

He’ll never beat Nader, anyway.

Last April Fool’s you forgot to trick the community of world leaders—but promised you’d get them when least expected.

You believe all covert American agents infiltrating the Middle East are simply “standing their ground.”

Your municipality is field-testing voting machines without adequately posted instructions.

He’s your brother, so you have to.

Hanging chads.

You’re worried about what the family will do to him if he doesn’t edge out Trump.

Armageddon comes as your municipality is field-testing touch-screen voting machines. When your stinking liberal soul is sucked down to Hell, your mortal hand brushes the GOP-slate icon.

Between now and Election Day, he’s held for nine years in a pedophile’s basement, and you feel sorry for him.

You’re a star-cross’d lover, and it’s on your pre-suicide-pact bucket list.

You have a horrible sense of humor.

Despite your belief in climate change, you’re insatiably curious about what will happen if humans continue to ignore it.

He’s your son, so you have to.

The Democrats insist on running Hillary.

“Look. I need to safeguard my legacy.”

Steven Roiphe holds a nonrefundable degree from Harvard University. His prose has appeared or is forthcoming in Hot Metal Bridge, The Hamilton Stone Review, and Serving House Journal. When he's not writing his novel about a gay founding father, he enjoys working as one of Downeast Maine's rare professional dog walkers. You can follow him on Twitter.

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